A nice swift kick!!

Well, to go along with my most recent blog, I feel like I've had a nice swift kick in the good ole butt, there. I guess my bubble has burst. My self pity is sooo not pretty!!! Thankfully, some of the girls from our weekend retreat continued on with the spirit of prayer and fellowship. We had ourselves a little prayer meeting and it was very nice. I must say requesting prayer in a room full of people that I hardly know was somehow easier than with a group of closer friends...or maybe it was just the Holy Spirit with us there.
My swift ole kick was just voicing my problems, not only with the ladies, but later with my husband. I guess to think them and say them out loud are two different things. some things make sense in you head, but once they are out of your mouth....you kinda wonder why it bothered you so much. I was so thankful to have been part of the prayer time and the fellowship of women to meet new people and become closer with others in my faith. Just praying for others and hearing what they are going through made me thankful for my burdens. What seems so huge to me, didn't hardly compare to others. It made me grateful that I met God earlier than later in my problems. And talking with Dave just made it all seem even crazier. If he was past it or dealing with it, why couldn't I? I don't want to be the cross my husband has to bear and I don't want Dave to be my cross I have to bear.
God kinda woke us both up to the fact that we need to be responsible and accoutable in all parts of our life.
Needless to say, there was a lot of praying going on last night at a friend's house and at my house. God met me two weekends ago at a Ladies Retreat and he still hasn't left. :)
It's another PRAISE GOD moment!!! He always knows what I need better than I do.

Life in a bubble

I guess I can say I've been living life in a bubble lately. I say a bubble simply because I've been all comsumed by my life, my problems, just me...and everything around me was distorted. Well....maybe not distorted, but I've been so consumed, I haven't tried looking outside of me and my world.
Two weekends ago I went on a Ladies retreat with our church and a bunch of ladies from our church, some I knew, some I knew just in passing, and others I didn't know at all. Thankfully, I roomed with some I knew. lol I didn't have very high expectations for this weekend. I was just going to get away from my life here. I know it sounds bad, but I've really just wanted to escape lately...be someone else, live someone else's life.
Thankfully though, the weekend was a blessing. I got to feel a little bit like me again....not just a mom, or wife, or friend. I got to see that living someone else's life isn't the answer. If I can't stan my own life, why would someone else's be any better? The openness of everyone really touched me that weekend, just to see that everyone has something going on in their lives that they struggle with.
Our speaker, Kelly Reisen, just opened our minds and hearts and the holy spirit literally flooded us. I think I went through a good box of tissues myself...and I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. She made it okay to talk about our problems....she talked about being committed to our lives no matter if it got better or not. She just touched my heart from the inside out.
I love my family, my husband, my kids. I just needed to hear that God loves me and he's here with me. He wants all of me and he will provide my needs...not necessarily my wants...but he will provide what I need. He definitely provided for me that weekend. God was there and he meet us all there. He knew each of us were coming and had a message for each one. It was just amazing.
Having come home, I still get emotional just thinking about my meeting with God. My life hasn't changed....my problems haven't left. But I've been praying more and seeking God more. My life is going to be a journey, both physically and spiritually. But now I have a renewal of my faith and my hope, because I was reminded how real God is and that he has something so much more greater planned for me than this life has to offer.
Praise God!!

Mommy, mommy, mommy!

That's all I've been hearing lately!!! From Ethan! He's of course learning how to talk, but lately it's been annoying. I suppose the saying is true, we want our kids to talk, only to want them to be quiet. Oh boy. Every time we get in the van...."mommy, mommy, mommy" The only way to make him stop is to say 'what' or just ignore him.
Now on the other hand of annoying is cute. It's nice to hear him say 'thank you' or ' love you'. It's fun to hear him talk too. He likes the doodle bops, Handy manny, and Mickey Mouse (mikey nouse, as he would say it). He's our little mocking bird right now....if he doesn't know what something is called, you just tell him and he does his best to say it back to you.
At the moment he is singing "lalalala kiss the girl" from the Little Mermaid. It's Taylor's current favorite song, so Ethan has been trying to imitate it.
He also likes to shout "bankie" when he's tired, or "nukie" when he's tired or bored. It's great. Some days I just wish he'd be quiet, but then where would I get my laughs...there's nothing funnier than hearing your son try to say a new word.
Well.....sorry there's not much today....I'm being paged...."mommy, mooommmie, mmmoooommie!!!"

On the road to recovery, I hope.

I have to say most of the time I'm a happy person. I try to look on the brighter side of things and not focus so much on the bad stuff. Lately, however, my perspective has had a rain cloud over it. I have struggled with depression in my lifetime, more than I'd like to admit. It's not a part of my life I like to relive or live through again. I've been on prozac for a while now to help me 'be a better mommy'. That's what I tell myself anyway. I have not been getting better, simply because I'm not allowing myself to get better. I figured a pill would make all my problems disappear....and well, there is not a pill out there made of magic and pure fantasy to just 'poof' make everything perfect.
Along with my depression (which I am denial that it's really that...I keep calling it anxiety) I have been struggling with my spiritual walk. A lot of tough subjects have come up in church lately and I'm still try to figure out where my role lies with them. Some days I would really like to have a drink stronger than diet coke, iced coffee or water to help take the edge off. And yet I know that there lies a problem in that statement. If I somehow need something to take the edge off, it's like taking the 'magic' pill....it won't work...and I could just end up with an addiction that I don't need or want. I guess Pastor had a point in what he was saying.
There are also days when I haven't spoken to friends or haven't seen people for a while and miss out on life, so to speak. What do you do when you get together? Talk, chat, catch up, chew the fat...etc. If someone who isn't in the conversation comes up, is it really gossip? I just want to know how others are doing. Please don't tell me more than I need to know...just how are they. I admit I have been in the gossiping spiral and I wish, oh I wish I could unhear, unlearn some things I know about people!!! But it's there now, stuck in my head....it won't leave me. So I guess gossiping is not a way to go about hearing the news....I'll just have to find Brad and Angelina myself and ask them if they really are pregnant again...going to get married, do another movie together...you know, all that good stuff. :)
I feel like I am going on the road to recovery, though...... I have a super supportive husband, who backs every decision I make and helps me with anything I ask him to. He lived with me through 3 consecutive pregnancy....this is the first time in our life together that I've made it 2 years not being pregnant. :) And I have some great friends that have already traveled this road and are here with me to help me stay on the path. I knew there was a reason for me being younger than my friends. They needed my humor and Niaveness, and I needed their wisdom and down-to-earthness (is that a word??) Last, but not least, at all (should have been first,really) God has been bringing many things to my attention, even in this blog. He needs me to trust him, and realize he is in control of my life, not me. He is the one who can make me better, not myself. He is the one who wants me to live for a purpose, his purpose, not my own. I want to be a good christian woman, wife, mother, friend, but I have to first be a daughter to God and allow him to raise me and mold me like the father I never had. And that's the hardest part, because I have no control over that.
So if you are reading this, don't feel sorry for me. I have a Lord who loves me and wants me, not just the good stuff, or the happy days...he wants all of me. I have found the silver lining in my rain cloud. I just hope this helps you find your silver lining in your rain cloud.

What are friends for?

Well, I must say I have experienced my share of friends in my lifetime. And I'm sure I'll have more friends to come. I'm happy I have friends, though. I heard somewhere that God gave you family, but you get to choose your friends!! Isn't that great? For some reason, the friends I have or have had are always people I want to be like or that are like me. I look for qualities I hope to obtain or just look for someone who can put up with me and someone I can put up with. Just kidding. :)
So far the friends I've had in my lifetime either don't talk to me anymore, we just don't have similar interest, or we do talk, but live too far away to stay current.
Let's see my best friends have been Tracey Hopson...but she had another friend Jamie Kayser who was more her age and in her grade. We would play barbies for hours. She would want to have dance offs...but I can't dance, so I'd sit that one out. We'd listen to Prince and Vanilla Ice and groove. :) lol
Then there was Kristen Egan in the 4th grade. She was fun, she had a little brother that would call me "teacher" because we always played school together or house. Remember those games? We had our moments as friends. We had a crush on the same boy, Damon Ferris. Isn't that silly how as girls we fight over boys?? As if fighting over the boy is going to make a difference in whether he likes you or not.
In the sixth grade, Lori Pfeiffer was my bff. We had the bracelets and everything. And I told her everything, on the phone, at school, at her house. We spent a lot of time together. We would go skating together on Friday or Saturday nights with her older sister and other kids from school. That was the life!! Except for couples skate, always sat that one out. She knew about my crushes and even tried to pursued my crushes into "asking me out". When you don't actually go out, you just "go out" at school. It's silly, really. But I still wonder what happened to Aaron Hayes. :)
We moved after the sixth grade. I must say I was devasted, in my sixth grade sense. I lost all my friends!! I wrote and visited (once) but it's not the same when your bff lives three states away. So seventh grade I met Shannon Smith (which changed to Wilson, later). She was kinda quiet, safe, and my size...a little bit bigger than most 7th graders. :) We didn't really run in the same crowd as we go older. She went her way and I went mine. We still talk, but it's just not the same. Some days I feel bad because I wish I could have been a better influence in her life, but then I realize I could only do so much, or say so much. I have to remind myself she was apart of the relationship too. She got to make choices, just like I did.
After high school, I met Dave, immediately. He quickly became my best friend. But there were other benefits he offered that none of my other friends could offer. :) He became my new obsession, someone I spent all my time with, told everything too, talked on the phone with all the time. You know how it is when you're obsessed...I mean, in love. :)
Dave is still my best friend and my husband, now. He's given me everything I've ever wanted and more. He gave me a family...and a great one at that. I was scared to death that we'd end up like my mom and dad and not make it though even having a kid together. He has gone above and beyond proving he's gonna stick it out with me. I can't even get him to leave. :) just kidding. I'm happy I got stuck with Dave...I mean, chose Dave as a spouse. :) oops.
I've met some great people that have all left dints in me....I mean, impressions, since Dave. We had a neighbor when Dave and I got together that kept life alive. She was always there, for anyone, anytime, anywhere. Thanks, Evette.
And then there was our church that introduced LOTS of friends and families into our lives. Gotta love the girls from all the Sunday School classes we were in...all two of them. Let me see...I'd try and name everyone, but I don't want to offend anyone and leave them out, so you know who you are....you have to know if you're my friend or not. If you've ever gotten a homemade card from me, that means you're not important enough for me to actually go to hallmark and get you one. YOu're even more special!!!!! I spent time and energy, sweat and tears, just on you!!
The friends I have today have kids just like me. We all relate with the struggles life brings, whether spiritual, financial, personal, or family (kid) related. They help me cope with life and understand that things will get better and if things get worse, they aren't going anywhere. It's just nice to know when I can't talk to Dave,there's always someone I can turn to just to chat, spill my heart out, or shop with.....or paint with...or scrapbook with. Gotta say, Dave doesn't care to paint or scrapbook with me. he'll shop, as long as he's getting something too. He doesn't care for the clothing shopping with me...i take too long. :)
So to all my friends, near and far, you have helped form the person I am today. Friends are too far and inbetween and a good one is really hard to find. so when you find one, stick to them, no matter what....you might need them just as much as they need you. aka...you, Kim. :)
I love you all....Dave, Kim, Brenda, Lori, Tracey, Kristen, Shannon, the Sunday school group, Evette, etc............... Thanks!!!!

Jamie

Jamie is our second child. And she is the middle child, not that it means anything. The middle children have issues...at least in my family. Just kidding, Amy. I can honestly say we expected Jamie. We planned on getting pregnant worth her. With Taylor, we talked about the possibility, but neither one of us really believed we could get pregnant (so quickly). We were in denial. With Ethan, I held a baby....the thought of a new baby got in my mind, made my ovaries start singing...and we got pregnant. With Jamie, the same thing kinda happened. Some of our friends were talking about adding to their families...and Taylor was grown out of the infant stages for the most part...granted she was only 10 months old!! But we were young, in love, and didn't think it would be all that hard. How hard could it be????
Well, we met Jamie, on Thanksgiving, nonetheless. She wasn't a happy baby. It wasn't a baby story moment. The labor was great..only 6 hours or so. She was even born in time for lunch...that's when everyone left me to go eat.
When she was born......she CRIED!! Duh, I know that's what you are thinking. But when the doctor handed her to me, she kept right on crying. And she didn't stop...for 3 hours. The nurses took her to the nursery and actually had to put her in her own room, simply because she was stressing the other babies out.
She did eventually grow out of crying....only took three months of colic, but she did grow out of it.
Now we are coming up on her 4th birthday this November. She's getting a new bike, because she's outgrown her old one. She's grown out of a lot of things lately...all her clothes...all her shoes...everything. I guess I just figured she'd stay little forever. But when you put last years clothes on her and think, hey maybe this will still work....and obviously they don't, the reality of her actually growing hits. She is actually sharing clothes with Taylor...well, basically whatever is the slightest bit to small for Taylor, goes straight to jamie. It's kinda nice..but I just hope Jamie doesn't surpass Taylor in the clothing department. it's hard enough as it is to keep their clothes straight when I'm putting them away. If they were actually in the same size....I don't know what I'd do.
Jamie still is the crazy one around here. She loves her brother though...a little too much sometime. She likes to play with him..sometimes a little too hard. And when he's doing something he shouldn't be, and Dave and I are trying to stop it (say, throwing food off his high chair) she just laughs at him. and he keeps on doing it and thinks it's funny. I'm happy they like each other though.
she likes being a little momma, too. she babies Ethan and she babies her dolls. She grabs a purse and a doll and walks around the house pretending to shop or go to the doctor. It's fun. she makes me laugh.
She's silly, she's loveable, she's one of a kind. She's Jamie!!





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Ethan

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The saga of my children continues. I know I'm going out of order, but Ethan has been on the tip of my tongue all day. "Ethan, NO!" "Ethan, COME HERE!" It just cycles around..occasionally, there's just an "Ethan".
I accredited my initial weight loss with Weight Watchers to Ethan, since I force fed him my boob...as some girls would say...no, I just breast feed him. He weaned himself. Once he got real food, he didn't want me anymore. And the weight started finding it's way back to my mid section. Ethan hasn't let mommy down, though, with the weight loss, that is. I got a bonus hour of exercise tonight with him. All he had to do was run, and he got me to follow him. And then he mixes it up with some light weight training. He purposely would run onto a field on kids playing soccer, just so I would have to stop chasing and actually pick him up. He was nice enough to actually resume the stroller for refreshments and to let mommy cool down.
Well, it wasn't that bad, but if he wasn't there, I would have just sat in a lawn chair for an hour, like the rest of the parents. :) thanks, Ethan, you always have my back!! He doesn't like me to sleep in either, or take long naps, or sit for too long at home. He's always getting into something. That's a boy for you, I guess. Oh and if you have markers at your house and they are in plain sight, please, oh, please, put them up if we are coming over. Ethan might color on paper, but his favorite thing to color on is himself. Especially his face and feet. He almost drew an outline of his face tonight. It was a nice shade of red, too. So it looked like a big cut. Oh well.
I'm happy I had a boy, though. I can appreciate my girls for some of their crazy things...and I can appreciate the things that don't bug Ethan...that bug the girls.
Something cute is happening to him. He's talking. He's a regular parrot. He'll repeat just about anything you tell him to. He says "I love you" which of course is so adorable it melts your heart. He says "no" a lot, so I've been working on him saying "yes". When he says it, he tries to shake his head and he almost falls over every time. He can say no for a little longer...until he gets his balance better. :)
The joys of boys....it never gets boring, that's for sure!!

Taylor

Taylor is my first child, and she is me incarnate. She started kindergarten this year, going on a month next week. I remember my mom telling me that I thought I could do anything I wanted in kindergarten...and that's what I'm getting from Taylor. I'm so happy she has the strenght and boldness she has, but sometimes that's what drives me so crazy.
Take for instance, she has a loose tooth and has for about a month now. She literally has two rows of teeth. And she won't let me pull it. I've offered her money, ice cream...even a car!!! Well, it's a barbie car, but still. I told her the story of my mom when she was little, she was eating a sandwich and just ate her loose tooth. Taylor just thought it was funny.
On a proud note, Taylor read her first book. "see the (picture of door), see the (picture of the sun)" She read it,though!! And she's doing better at recognizing letters. Tonight she told me how to spell "stop" while we sat at a stop sign. I was really impressed.
So to Taylor I say, I love you, no matter how many fits you give me, and how many times you decide to defy what I tell you to do...I know it is only going to get worse. :) I'm just glad right now we just argue over what's for dinner and that you need to wear a jacket..or you'll be cold. See just silly, doesn't matter kind of stuff.